Lost in Venice

I woke up feeling excited and blessed this morning to watch the sun rising from my 6th floor hotel room over the mountains along the Pacific coast. It's certainly not every day I watch the sun rise, let alone with this view. I got myself up did a little work, went for a nice walk to nearest grocery store (which is nearly a mile away), and came back to do a little more work. I decided to take a break and go down and enjoy the nice pool and California sunshine. Without sunscreen. Oops. Big no-no. My arms and chest look lobster-ish. Not good. Brimming with anticipation to see something or someplace new while I'm hear, I tore myself away from the relaxing poolside and made my way to the Venice Beach boardwalk. Um...okay, so it was someplace new, but yikes. I was not prepared for this. It was crazy. In order to avoid the street performers begging for money, I took a nice barefoot walk along the beach. In a desperate attempt to find some good shopping, I started wandering the streets of Venice. Bad idea. I got lost, and let me tell you...there are some shady streets in Venice, and I found them. I was pretty sure I was going to die at one point. Thankfully, I made it back to the hotel alive, but 3 miles and more than an hour later. Not exactly the adventure I was looking for today. However, I got to see the Pacific ocean and that in itself was pretty awesome.

Even still....I found myself feeling sad this evening. Sad because, no matter how great it is to see new sights and explore new places, it's just not the same doing it alone. I want to be able to share these experiences with someone. Someone special. I know that the root of a healthy relationship is finding happiness within yourself, and I am working on that. Still...it would be nice to have someone to share sun rises, long lost walks, sun burns and new adventures.

Everywhere You're Not Looking

Imagine my surprise today while sitting on a cramped plane looking through the SkyMall magazine and come across a quote that hit home so closely, I was nearly dumb-founded. SkyMall? Seriously? Of all places to come across something insightful, that was one of the last places I would've expected it. I guess part of the insight is realizing that things aren't always where you're looking. They're just where they are when they need to be.

The quote was this; "She wasn't where she had been. She wasn't where she was going...but she was on her way." It applied to me in more ways than one right now. Picture me sitting on an airplane with five hours of flight time ahead of me, meanwhile stewing inside over some personal drama that had unraveled the night before. I was a mess. I was filled with anger, anxiety and sadness. I was dreading the confines of the airplane knowing that I couldn't do anything to truly distract myself from the thoughts running through my mind. I wanted to crawl out of my skin. All of the supportive and loving things my friends had been saying were valued, but I was pretty much inconsolable. Then....I read this quote. The timing and location couldn't have been more perfect. It applies to not only my physical travel on this current day, but on a deeper level where I am in life right now.

I was happy to find that this quote is actually extended. In full;

"She wasn't where she had been. She wasn't where she was going…but she was on her way. And on her way she enjoyed food that wasn't fast, friendships that held, hearts glowing, hearts breaking, smiles that caught tears, paths trudged and alleys skipped. And on her way she no longer looked for the answers, but held close the two things she knew for sure. One, if a day carried strength in the morning, peace in the evening, and a little joy in between, it was a good one…and two, you can live completely without complete understanding." ~ Jodi Hills

The final phrase of this quote is really profound for me. I am in a constant quest to make sense of things, and while I think that thirst is still admirable and healthy, it is a good reminder to realize we can live a complete and full life without fully understanding.

On the road

I have been blessed with a great opportunity to travel for work. I realize that this would not appeal to some people, but for me....it's fantastic. Honestly, given my current state of affairs...the timing couldn't be better. It is a great distraction.

First stop, Chicago. I have always been a fan of Chicago, but until I returned there a few weeks ago after years away...I forgot how much I loved the city. It is a great city to visit. Even the people that live there confess it is a great place to live. If you're visiting, and are looking for a good, hearty, steakhouse meal I highly recommend Gibson's Steakhouse. A little pricey, but if you can swing it, the food and service are definitely worth it. As for accomodations, Kimpton Hotels is my pick. I've stayed at The Burnham, and Allegro and loved them both! Whatever you do...get yourself to the top of a building and take in the site of the city and the beautiful scene of the lake.

Coming soon....California, Florida and New York. 

Life Is A Balancing Act

Wow...it's hard to believe it's been over a year since I wrote last. Not sure why. Also not sure why I feel inclinded to do so now. Perhaps simply as an outlet for myself to process some grief and pain I am currently experiencing. I received a card in the mail recently that read "Life Is a Balancing Act". Seems simple and obvious enough, but I infact lost balance. I lost myelf. Althought it seems bad now, maybe this is a good thing. Maybe this is progress. Maybe this is learning and evolving.

It is a really hard pill to swallow that the one person you think about most seems to be better off without you. How do you swallow your ego, pride or whatever you want to call it and accept reality, and move on? Why is it easier for some people to do the right thing (regardless of how painful), and simply walk away? There is the part of me that is embarrased. I opened up my feelings and emotions, and my insecurity left me feeling vulnerable.
I've been experiencing a lot of new feelings. Thinking about life and relationships from new perspectives. I often feel too old to be experiencing these things at this phase in my life. I suppose it's better late than never.

For the first time in my life, I feel inconsolable. In my past, I always turned to food for comfort. Happy or sad...I ate. I never understood the people that said they were so upset they couldn't eat. Couldn't comprehend this, until now. For nearly a month, food has lost it's appeal. Occasionally, I get hungry. I eat a little, usually, with no enjoyement. I feel sick after. This has been the drill for weeks now and it is extremely unnerving. Shopping has no appeal either. Working out which used to give me such a surge of energy and positive reinforcement also has no appeal. I'm wallowing. There is no other way to describe it. I generally have little tolearnce for people and their self pity. Get over I would always think, but never say aloud. I'm pretty sure that several of my friends are telling me this in a polite way.

So, here I am finding myself trying to return to some sense of normalcy, whatever that is.  The act of writing this out is somewhat theraputic and extremely eye opening. Hopefully, I can make an effort to be more diligent about it.

It's been a while...

Some people have noticed that I've been pretty quiet lately. Not only on this blog, but on Facebook and Twitter as well. It probably rings true in my everyday communications as well. I've probably talked, text and emailed less in the past month. Why? There are several reasons and I'm going to hide my reasoning behind "if you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all." That pretty much sums it up from all angles.

That being said, today is a new day. I can't believe the month of June is half over already. This year is half over already and that is nuts for me to think about. The first half of this year has been rough as you know, if you've been following along. I'm hoping that the second half is going to be better. I'm writing today with a tad bit more relief than I've had in the past seven months. I accepted a job offer today, so a new venture is about to begin. It is not the path in which I was hoping these months would lead me, but I also know that nothing is permanent, and everything is temporary. So...I'm going to make the best of this new situation and work on picking myself back up. Where it may lead me...no one knows. (insert background music...I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For) ;)

I'm still working on understanding a lot of what has happened in the past seven months. I certainly can't rationalize everything, but I do believe things happen for a reason. My goal is to learn from them and become a better version of me.

"Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what the hell happened." -Cora Harvey Armstrong

I've learned a lot about who is in my corner and I appreciate the friends and family that have stood by me during this difficult time. I hope that I am able to pay it forward.

"All colors are the friends of their neighbors and the lovers of their opposites." -Marc Chagall

New list

Since I've been working to accomplish the many things on my 32x32 list, other items started popping up. Here is the introduction to my new list. It isn't final and I'm not sure that this one will be limited to a time frame.

1. Let someone else select/order my meal or food for me.
2. Complete any undone 32 X 32 items
3. Stay at a Bed & Breakfast
4. Skeet Shooting
5. Play the tables in casino
6. Scuba dive
7. Go red
8. Donate hair to Locks of Love or like charity

To be continued...naturally.

Pride & Joy - Brandi Carlile

Time of day i can't recall
The kind of thing that takes it's toll
Over years and over time
Over smiles and over wine
All in all it wasn't bad
All in all it wasn't good
But i still care
That's the problem with the days
They're never long enough to say
What it is you never said
All the books you never read
I throw myself into the wind
Hoping somebody will pick me up
And carry me again

Where are you now
Do you let me down
Do you make me grieve for you
Do i make you proud
Do you get me now
Am i your pride and joy
I believe this to be true
Nothing sacred nothing new
No one tells you when its time
There are no warnings only signs
And you know that you're alone
You're not a child anymore
But you're still scared
All your mountains turn to rocks
All your oceans turn to drops
They are nothing like you thought
Can't be something you are not
Life is not a looking glass
Don't get tangled in your past
Like i am learning not to

Where are you now
Do you let me down
Do you make me grieve for you
Do i make you proud
Do you get me now
Am i your pride joy