Heavy

We've all seen the articles giving advice on how to prepare for the financially unexpected. They say you should have enough savings to support you for six months. They're right, you should. But what if you were struggling to make ends meet while you were employed, let alone save a little extra for a rainy day? Unfortunately, that time has come. It doesn't feel like a rainy day, it's more like torrential downpour.

The financial burden of losing a job is stressful, but no one talks about the emotional and psychological burden. Where are the 'how to' articles that coach us on what to say and do for our friends and family that lose their jobs? Where are the articles or books teaching us how to gracefully cope with the emotional roller coasters we're about to endure? I'm sure if you want to take this literally, there probably are books out there that share someones struggle with some helpful tips on what to say or do. The truth is....there really isn't anything anyone can say to make things better. No one can prepare you for the gnawing feeling in gut that is really the potential fear of losing your home or perhaps filing bankruptcy. No one can help you prioritize which possessions to start selling in order buy groceries that week. Those who are close to you will listen, be empathetic and tell you things will turn around. You may even believe them. I did, and hopefully still do.

I'm sure there's a point in time in everyone's life where they feel like they've hit bottom. I like to be the cup is half full person so if I'm at bottom that means it can only go up from here, right? It hit me hard when I came to a realization that two college degrees means nothing when times are tough. I grew up thinking if I worked hard and put myself through college I wouldn't have to struggle. Wrong. I've come to a point where it's time to swallow my pride and simply do what needs to be done.

My grandma, God love her, can be a bit difficult. She's been through many hard times, but she was able to overcome obstacles late in life. Later than most would imagine. Yes, she gets on my nerves at times *eye roll* but I know she's been through numerous hardships. She has accomplished some amazing feats. I look up to her for this. So, that comment I made earlier about college....so what. Degrees don't entitle me to anything in life. I have to do the dirty work and take out the trash. I feel like I'm in the middle of a horrible reality show about getting knocked down and everyone is watching to see if I'll get back up and come back even stronger. I'm trying. My mind is constantly swirling and every day is a struggle. So if I seem a little out of sorts, I really am.

Last night I was out with a group of friends and found myself in an extremely uncomfortable situation. It's hard to accept that I can't be the best friend or daughter right now. I want to be giving, sympathetic, empathetic or joyful...whatever the occasion calls for but it's just not in me right now. I realize that we're all going through something, or a rough patch. I know things could always be worse. Some people are going through job loss, others divorce. Some have medical conditions hindering them from living a "normal" life and others even have a terminal illness. Yes, I'm well aware that I still have blessings to be thankful for, and I AM. That doesn't mean my situation is any easier. I find myself feeling like I should apologize for my behavior. Maybe I should, maybe I shouldn't. Perhaps I'm making a bigger deal of things than they really are. (I usually do) Hopefully, the family and friends closest to me realize that these are the cards I've been dealt and I may be a little slow on making my next move but I'm doing the best I can, right now.