Winding down the year

Well, last weekend I accomplished one of my goals for the year. I ran my second 5K this year. Clearly, I can finish them. Now...I suppose I should challenge myself to improve my time on the next one. I was happy to finish in 38 minutes. For me, it's more important to just continue jogging and not have to stop to walk. I even braved the cold for this one and I still finished so I guess aside from wet conditions I can't really have many more excuses.

Even though I finished the two runs this year. I'm still up 30lbs from my lowest weight. This is a huge disappointment considering how hard I worked to get my weight down. I can make excuses for why I gained the weight back or why I haven't lost it yet, but it's ultimately my own doing. It's time to do something about it.

Some of my earlier blogs talked about things around the house, debt consolidation (evil credit cards) and relationships with guys. All of the above are still issues but what I'm realizing is that they always will be. These are just the facts of life and I've been letting them win. It's time for me to start taking control of the situations rather than them controlling me. I watched one of my favorite movies last night. There is a revelation that I love and can relate to. It's something like..."I should be the leading lady of my own life...". So true...so true. This year has been a period of chaos and confusion for me. Chalk it up to a learning experience and move on. Just because I don't realize what I've gained from it right now doesn't mean that I won't eventually. I need to just keep plugging along.

It seems the purpose of this blog is to organize my thoughts and kick it back to me. This doesn't really benefit anyone else, or readers. Simply myself. Maybe someday this will lead to the benefit of others.

For now...I'm looking forward to the upcoming Holidays. I have a cookie exchange coming up with some of my closest girlfriends. I can't wait to have everyone at my house. I've decided I'm going to make an effort to welcome people into my home more frequently. I attended an event a week ago and I heard a lady give a testimonial about her grandmother. She remembered her grandmother as being "a friend to everyone". I want to work to be remembered FONDLY. I know I can often get wrapped up in my own selfish ways so this will be a healthy project for self fulfillment and development.

Death by running...

I know I'm not likely to die from running but if I feel this bad during a run I can't imagine how much worse it could be. I don't understand how people run marathons and do triathlons. It just seems completely crazy to me. I'm trying to get ready to run another 5K. I've done them before so it's just a matter of pushing myself to finish. I'm going to "run" or as I prefer a light jog the Jingle Bell Run in December. Yesterday I was jogging at Schiller Park and was trying to finish two miles. I just couldn't, consecutively. I can do a mile rest and then do another mile. I can't stand that feeling of not being able to breath. I know it's mostly mental and I just need to slow down and focus on it but I get to a point where everything hurts. My feet, knees, elbows, chest and head. You should see my face. I'm not sure you're supposed to turn that red, but I do. Anyway...I've done it before and I know I can do it again. I like the feeling of accomplishment at the end, but no matter how much I do this I'm not sure I'll ever get the point where I enjoy running or find the escape in it. I just don't think I'm built for it. Oh well....three more weeks to go.

The happenings...

So...what's been going on in my world? Nothing super exciting. Unfortunately, I'm starting a 2nd job tonight which kind of stinks. My laptop crashed over the weekend so I've been dealing with getting that resolved. There just seem to be a ton of lose ends right now and that drives me crazy more than anything else. I anticipate things only getting more difficult as the holidays are approaching. Oh well, somehow we always find a way to get through it.

Is it completely pathetic that I'm counting the days until New Moon comes out. It starts next Friday and I can't wait.

I'm signing up to run another 5K. It'll be the second one this year. I desperately need to lose some of the pounds I put back on and hopefully this will be good motivation for me.

It seems like everyone around me is going through a really hard time. Is this the way adult life is going to be? If so, it sucks. I sincerely hope things improve for not only myself but my friends and family as well.

Fat people at the gym...

Where are they? I mean c'mon. I was at the gym last night sweating and panting away when I looked around and realized I was completely surrounded by (too) skinny & buff people. I know they're there because they care about their bodies and need to maintain. Where are all of the people like me that are big and working out. Those are the peeps I need to surround myself with.

Quiet lately...

Well, I'm thinking it's a bad sign that I've been told by two male friends recently that I seem "weird" or a little "out of sorts lately". I thought guys didn't talk about that stuff. I don't mean to stereotype but it seems odd to me. To be honest...I have been a little out of sorts lately. Of all the friends to notice, let alone say something I was shocked by two guys. It took me off guard a little and made me realize I may need to get myself in check. Time to snap out of it I guess.

I feel like I've been on a kiddie roller coaster lately. Not the normal female moodiness or highs and lows, but just...... mellow. I've been struggling with some work issues lately which ultimately lead to financial stress. Also, I've been trying to figure out some relationships with people.

I've been spending A LOT of time lately thinking about relocating. Why? I think it would be a great opportunity and learning experience to move someplace different. Throw myself into a new community and culture. I don't have any major responsibilities or obligations keeping me here. However, I would really miss my mom and my friends. I like having a home. I don't know. I thought I had it all figured out and now I feel more confused than ever. How can one person want two things that seem so completely opposite?

I haven't written much lately, because I don't know what to write. That...plus I haven't really had anything super exciting to write about. Maybe I should start blogging more. Maybe it will help bring some clarity. I don't know...that seems like a pretty high expectation.

A hike to clear the mind

Clear the mind? Maybe. I took a couple long walks this weekend, four miles yesterday and five today. I decided today that life is too short to be this stressed out all the time. I think a serious does of decluttering and simplifying is in order. I'll try to touch base on this in a week or so to share the progress.

Crossroads

A friend recently told me that I'm at a crossroads. This struck me by surprise. News to me. I am? What does that mean? Is this the same as a fork in the road? If so, what are my choices? I guess I've felt stuck in a rut for a while now.

When I was younger I had a pretty good support group. People were always encouraging me to keep going whether it involved music, school, weight loss, or relationships. I suddenly feel a little lost now when the responsibility has fallen on me. I have to motivate myself, geez! It's a lot easier to motivate someone else. ha!I miss being in school. If it weren't for the enormous amount of existing school debt I'd be in the classroom again. I guess I just need to find opportunities that provide the same level of challenge.

Last night I had a glimpse into what I've been missing. I attended a grant reading workshop for a local foundation supporting social change in our community. I was in awe listening to one of the women talk. The intelligence was just oozing out of her. I found myself wishing for a fraction of the enthusiasm and passion she possessed for her work. I wonder...have I just not found the right thing to be passionate about, or do I lack that level of intensity?

Peacock feathers...galore!

I've always loved arranging flowers. Last year, a friend asked me to do the flowers for her wedding and then more recently for her daughters wedding. I'm really hoping to start obtaining more projects professionally. I did both of these as a gift and for the experience, but I think it's time to start developing.

When given the challenge to work with the wedding colors Navy & Tiffany blue...I thought...uh...good luck. Plus, the calla lily was her favorite flower so she wanted to incorporate that. Not only this, but she wanted to use silk flowers. This had it's pros and cons. When trying to think of a way to make this work, I thought of something personal that I love. Peacock feathers! I love the colors and the design. Luckily the bride loved the idea and it took off from there.




I was very pleased with how everything turned out and am ready for the next project (paid, I hope). If you know anyone interested in floral arrangements, refer them to me. I'm also excited about digging into some baking projects. People should use me and take advantage of my learning curve discount ;)

Running makes me hungry

So...I've been forcing myself to run again. I'm already back to two miles twice this week. Granted, it is still at an incredibly slow pace and I feel like I'm about to hyperventilate but still....I made it. I'd like to run another 5K this year. Originally my goal was to run one a year, but I need a goal to push myself. Unfortunately, it seems the running is making me more hungry. Dang. I also think it's time to invest in some new kicks.

On an unrelated note...I don't understand why some people (in this case, coworkers) feel the need to be so difficult all the time. Don't they realize the amount of energy it takes to create so much negativity? I really do think interpersonal communication skills should be taught and encouraged throughout all professional environments.

Weekly treats

I think by far...the biggest treat I had this week wasn't even food. One of my closest friends sent me flowers to cheer me up. Sooooo thoughtful. I love flowers and I hardly ever receive them so they were indeed a treat.

Fall is my favorite time of year for many reasons. One of the best ways to kick off the season is to go apple picking. My mom and I try to go every year. It can be a little pricey but the experience and the taste are well worth it. My favorite by far is the Honeycrisp. Mom prefers the Gala.Now, I'm on the search for a good apple cake recipe. I simply need more hours in a day and more days in a week. Maybe that will be one of next weeks treats.

Last weeks sneaky treats...

So much good food, so little time. This is probably the source of the problem from my last blog. Oh well. Might as well appreciate the good things when they come along.

Dirty Franks, a recent addition to our lovely downtown, local eateries. I like my hot dogs plain jane but there are so many options. Not to mention the delightful fatty side dishes. It was definitely a fun and refreshing experience. Maybe the funnel cake at the end had something to do with that.

Panera Breads Cinnamon Crunch Bogels was another delicious treat I discovered last week. See the link for another blog which provides some complimentary photos of the little delights. They best part is that they're less than $2.

So far, this week hasn't been as delicious as last week but it's not over yet. I'll see what I can do. Maybe I'll have to come up with my own sneaky treat.

Weekly Friday Update

Well....it seems I've been making a pattern of posting on Fridays. While I'm not feeling particularly inspired to write about anything I wanted to keep developing this blog. In this case, I'll just summarize the previous week.

I was fortunate enough to attend two Elmo themed birthday parties in one week. This makes much chuckle. To be honest, I feel honored to be part of the families that invited me to these parties. Since I don't really have the closest family circle, my friends have become part of my family. It's a blessing to watch my friends children growing up and for me to still be included.


I had an "interview" (if you can call it that) for a 2nd job, part time this week. It didn't go as expected. In fact, I'm pretty sure I was discriminated against. While it's very upsetting to feel this way, I have to step back and look at the big picture. Clearly, it's not a "good fit" for me. Hopefully something else will present itself.

I've been preparing for a yard sale this weekend. I hope that I'm able to get rid of a handful of stuff. I'm trying to declutter my life; house and mind. It's Labor Day weekend and I don't really have anything fun or festive planned which is sort of a bummer. Maybe something will turn up last minute. Sometimes the unexpected is best.

I've been putting a little thought into where I would like to vacation next year. I always go away over my birthday. I do love a good beach vacation. There's nothing like laying in the sun and having nothing to do but swim, drink and sunbath. However....Europe has been calling my name. I some how feel incomplete not having been to London. I'm thinking a trip to GB may be in my future. I hope.

Today I finally worked up the nerve to tell my boss' boss that I was looking for more opportunities. I've become a little stagnant in my current position. I know there are projects going through my company which will help me grow creatively and professionally and I want to tap into that opportunity. I'm pretty sure it was well received because he responded with "I appreciate your attitude and I will put you at the top of the list for new projects-" Yay! We'll see.

I think that's enough for this nutshell for now. The squirrels have apparently gotten full ; )

Community

I'm currently reading the book Community, The Structure of Belonging by Peter Block. I've just begun, so I'm still in the first chapter. This book spoke to me because I've been trying to find more meaning behind the activities and/or causes I've chosen to contribute my time.

I've always been the type of person to get involved, mostly through volunteer work. Have I really contributed to society? Am I doing my part? Am I doing the right things, and am I doing enough? These are the beginning questions I'm asking myself as I dive into this book.

One of my biggest weaknesses is networking. I hate it and I'm pretty sure I'll never be that person that can walk into a room and immediately start a conversation with whomever I come into contact. I'm more of the quiet observer type. I'm trying to conceive my contribution to a community. As a board member for a local professional music organization, we were looking to obtain a new web designer. We collected RFPs from various designers. A close, personal friend who is working to build her own web design business came to mind. I mentioned it to her, she submitted her quote. The board ended up selecting her based on my personal reference, her competitive quote and expertise in spite of the previous and competitive relationships with other designers. This new relationship or partnership is a win win for the organization, the designer and the immediate community. The non profit organization is benefiting from a less expensive cost. The designer benefits by having additional work and experience as well as the much needed revenue. Overall, the community benefits by keep the dollars local and personal.

I hope to take from this book a little guidance on how I can make a micro impact on my community. I may not be able to do anything to change the world, but if I can change the world of those around me then I will be fulfilled. My personal experience may not be exactly what the book is referencing, but it's a start. I'm anxious to see how my thoughts and experiences may develop throughout reading the book.

If anyone is reading this post, please feel free to share your thoughts and maybe any contributions you've made to your community. Thank you!

Credit cards are evil!

So, I'm at a point again where I need to find a 2nd job. Something to supplement some additional income. When I was putting myself through college I never dreamed I'd be thirty and still struggling. It's tough when my friends and peers are living more comfortably at this stage than I am. Some have nice houses or condos, one just bought a Mercedes. Really? I'm driving the same Jeep I've had for almost eight years and it's literally starting to fall apart. I know these are the cards I've been dealt and some days I'm better playing them than others. Lately, I've just been wondering...is it really sad that I'm at this state? Should I have not accomplished more and be more secure at this point in my life. Clearly I haven't made all the right choices or I wouldn't be in this position. I guess that challenge is to remedy the situation now and in the future.

Today I was online calculating some payment plans for credit card debt reduction. It is thoroughly depressing. How did I ever get myself into this situation. Well, I have a whole house full of crap to show for it. Somehow, it doesn't quite add up though. I mean if I were to sell everything now, I don't think it would pay off the full balance. How sad.

I don't know. Maybe it's still acceptable to be at this stage of my life. I guess I need to ask when it's no longer acceptable. How much more time do I have to repair this? When does it become truly sad?

My grandma always tells me the story about how she never really became "something" until she was in her 50's. She was deprived her whole life. I believe she was 53 when she learned to drive and started her own business. This gives me comfort that maybe there's still time for me to turn things around. If I develop the right drive and become half as successful as my grandmother achieved I'll be doing alright.

Maybe the fact that I'm having these thoughts now is a sign I'm on the right track. I think that's enough to help me get to sleep tonight. Good night!

Home messy home

Being a single lady and a home owner is hard work. I mean it's totally doable, but not always the idealistic image you see portrayed in magazines. The typical photos include her in a casual but stylish outfit usually a sundress or some jeans and nice cashmere sweater. She's lounging in her nice clean home which is perfectly lit by the natural sunshine, there are always fresh flowers in the room. Of course she has time to sit there and read a book, her house is perfect. Whateve! How is that possible?

If I'm home there's hardly ever time for lounging. I feel guilty. There's always cleaning or yard work, cooking or laundry to do. Not to mention taking care of the dog that is always strategically placed in those photos. There's so much to do it's completely overwhelming at times. Don't even get me started on the big projects. The things that pretty much require some dude to come in over charge me to fix things. *Sigh*

Knock on wood...I'm lucky that I don't typically get unexpected guests. Perhaps that because I live in the ghetto. ha ha! Oh well.

I think the solution here is that I need to start eliminating as much stress as possible. I need to reduce the amount of clutter in my home. A yard sale is in my near future. How successful will that be...who knows? It's a start. If I want to literally obtain the freedom I can almost taste I'm going to have to start letting go of some things, physically and figuratively. House cleaning is only the beginning.

Should I Write a Book?

Tonight I was chatting with a friend and she told me I should write a book about all of the guy drama in my life. I find it interesting that my friends are always so eager to hear what's going on because frankly I think most of it is sad. I'd prefer to just escape the reality but I must have a way of spinning it for humor sake.

Clearly, I'm not going to write a book. I'm a horrible writer which is why I'm hiding my thoughts away in this little blog. So....this seems like a good place to share some the guy drama my friends are finding so entertaining. Obviously, I'll use nicknames in this case.

Roughrider is a guy I met a little over a year ago. This was the first time I ever met someone and actually felt that little spark. Silly, yes I know. None the less, it was there. I connected with him on a level I really didn't think was possible, only to find out he's connecting with multiple women on a similar level. ha! After a few months back and forth...talking, not talking, talking we actually started to form a pretty good friendship. Fast forward to this week, he's been dating this one girl since Thanksgiving. I think she's a little dose of crazy wrapped up in a sweet little package. Although he seem hesitant about where they're going, he continues to move the relationship along. They're moving in together this month. That was tough to swallow. After a recent event my exposure to her was maxed out. I fear this may have created enough problem to put the necessary distance between one of my newest, closest friends.

Weiner is a recent addition. We met a couple months ago through a mutual friend. Basically, he just doesn't want to be alone and has taken to me. Although I know he would probably do anything for me, take me anywhere or buy me anything if I really asked.....there's just no connection. For some people this may be enough. I know it's tempting but...

Butcher is a coworker. The one dude I was definitely intrigued with initially. Over the course of my time there I've learned he has quite a history among the women in the company, and even more out. I believe he recently hit rock bottom and unsure if he had much support elsewhere I stepped up. He's incredibly polite and intelligent beyond my understanding. His quirks which are somewhat a turnoff are somehow endearing. The dilemma...he's a coworker. In a small environment it just spells disaster. Plus, he needs time to deal with the series of events he's recently encountered. In the meantime, we enjoy a few fancy drinks.

For the better part of my adult life I've wanted desperately to be in a relationship. I do envy my married friends. To be honest....the dating thing sucks. I'd prefer to just skip that and go straight into the steady comfortable relationship. It looks like I'll just remain single, and free for now!

What do I want to be when I grow up?

I ask myself this almost everyday. A politician, an interior decorator, VP of a company, floral arranger, event planner, dog walker.....all thoughts that have entered my mind at one point in time. I seem to have so many interest and yet never really hone in on one specific thing.

Today I went with my mother to see the movie Julie & Julia. It was surprisingly funny. It ran a bit long and I was slightly disappointed with the reality of the ending, but it was definitely an encouraging story. I found it ironic that I recently began blogging and the basis of Julies story was her blogging journey. It's warming to see and hear other stories of people in which you can relate. I don't have a particular focus for my blog, yet maybe this will help lead to the bigger picture; the focus in my life. I did take one idea away from the movie. I'm not going to do something quite as extreme although I do feel it would be a good challenge for me to experiment with some new recipes; cooking or baking. Maybe I could begin working on a goal of one a week. Even now, that seems a bit optimistic. Perhaps I should concentrate on healthy options.

The point is, I need to celebrate the freedom I have to do whatever I want. I can cook, or not. I can travel, garden, dance, paint...whatever I choose. It's possible this amount of freedom is what's preventing me from establishing a specific goal. I may be a grown up, but I"m still at liberty to keep playing.

The trail

There is a trail I like to walk. It runs right along a river which I find so peaceful and relaxing. There is something about being near water that has always helped me find a connection to my thoughts. This picture is my favorite spot on the trail. It's just starting to go down a small hill. The wooden fence and mix of brush and trees surrounds you as you approach the old rail road. There's something about the way the sun shines on this spot. You can hear the river flowing and there is usually something fragrant in bloom. It's just the perfect spot to stop and take notice, relax and enjoy.

Why not...

I thought I'd give this a try and see where it takes me. I've been contemplating blogging for years. I hope to use this as an opportunity to express how I see things. We shall see..