Life Is A Balancing Act

Wow...it's hard to believe it's been over a year since I wrote last. Not sure why. Also not sure why I feel inclinded to do so now. Perhaps simply as an outlet for myself to process some grief and pain I am currently experiencing. I received a card in the mail recently that read "Life Is a Balancing Act". Seems simple and obvious enough, but I infact lost balance. I lost myelf. Althought it seems bad now, maybe this is a good thing. Maybe this is progress. Maybe this is learning and evolving.

It is a really hard pill to swallow that the one person you think about most seems to be better off without you. How do you swallow your ego, pride or whatever you want to call it and accept reality, and move on? Why is it easier for some people to do the right thing (regardless of how painful), and simply walk away? There is the part of me that is embarrased. I opened up my feelings and emotions, and my insecurity left me feeling vulnerable.
I've been experiencing a lot of new feelings. Thinking about life and relationships from new perspectives. I often feel too old to be experiencing these things at this phase in my life. I suppose it's better late than never.

For the first time in my life, I feel inconsolable. In my past, I always turned to food for comfort. Happy or sad...I ate. I never understood the people that said they were so upset they couldn't eat. Couldn't comprehend this, until now. For nearly a month, food has lost it's appeal. Occasionally, I get hungry. I eat a little, usually, with no enjoyement. I feel sick after. This has been the drill for weeks now and it is extremely unnerving. Shopping has no appeal either. Working out which used to give me such a surge of energy and positive reinforcement also has no appeal. I'm wallowing. There is no other way to describe it. I generally have little tolearnce for people and their self pity. Get over I would always think, but never say aloud. I'm pretty sure that several of my friends are telling me this in a polite way.

So, here I am finding myself trying to return to some sense of normalcy, whatever that is.  The act of writing this out is somewhat theraputic and extremely eye opening. Hopefully, I can make an effort to be more diligent about it.